"So much to prepare for"
Hello :) Yes, we have the sweetest news, a true miracle (which someday I will share in detail). We are expecting a baby girl within the first few days of January.
The timing of this pregnancy is too important not to reflect on. I have had SO. MANY. THOUGHTS while…Preparing for our miracle baby girl, remembering and grieving our other baby girl who passed away on Christmas Eve, and because of that, preparing to celebrate BIG TIME the only hope we have now, all wrapped up in the purpose of Christmas, our Lord and Savior coming as a baby.
And so,
I have been so busy lately, PREPARING.
-Preparing for Christmas.
-Preparing for all of the holiday festivities that are oh so fun.
-Preparing for Kate Allbritton Fine Art’s busiest sales season of the year.
-Preparing emotionally for the anniversary of Audrey Jane’s passing away on Christmas Eve.
-Preparing for our new baby (a true miracle) arriving in the early days of January.
These are all GOOD things to prepare for. They are for the most part, exciting and fun things. BIG things. But, it's a lot, as any mother of young children knows, to put on the Christmas season to make the best memories. It's a lot to prepare for a new baby - setting up the crib, trying to remember all the things needed for the newborn stage. It's a lot as a small business - making sure everything is set and ready for the biggest time of year for sales. And, it's a lot for anyone who has endured loss - to come up on the anniversary of it all.
And there is nothing wrong with preparing. In fact, it's probably healthier to prepare for big seasons ahead than to not. But, if I am being honest, I am letting my endless “to-do” list turn into my “anxiety-and-worry” list. And it's getting to be too much for me to bear or handle…
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I love dwelling on the magic of Christmas and all the little things that come along with it; the presents, the excuse to buy lots of things ;-), the gift giving, the Christmas lights outside, the parties, the memories made with young children, the nostalgia from magical moments of my own childhood, the decorations, the Christmas movies, the music, etc.
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I have found myself wondering a lot about Mary, Jesus’ mother, as she too lived out a season of life around this time many years ago preparing. I wonder if the women in her time did anything to prepare for having a baby? Obviously, she didn't have to prepare for a Christmas season of gift giving, and she didn't have to worry about her need for a gigantic maternity outfit for her Christmas Eve service. But, she did know she was having a baby, and not just any baby, but oh, just the Son of God, baby. No biggie.
But, did they even have due dates back in that day? Were they even aware that scientifically speaking it takes 40 weeks to have a full-term baby?
Did they have some form of diapers? And the newest Doona car seat and baby bottles? Did her friends throw her a baby shower for ALL the things she was going to “need”?
And where was it common to give birth to babies back in that time? Surely not in a stable like she ended up doing, nor in a hospital bed that offers an epidural. Which then brings me to think, did she have the assurance of medical teams and sonograms watching her health leading up to the pregnancy? I have to wonder, since the death rate for birthing children back in that day was so much higher than it is now, was she able to live in a season of excitement or in a season of fear for her life?
Which, if that's the case, if ANYONE had the right to feel anxious and worried and make millions of “to-do” lists to try and make themselves feel in control of a situation, it would have been Mary and the women of her day.
So then I wonder, did she struggle with anxiety and worry and the need to feel in control and prepare? Again, not that preparing for things is necessarily a bad thing, but when it turns into anxiety and a mechanism to attempt to control the future, did she struggle with any of this??
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I think back to this time six years ago for me, as I was preparing to have Audrey Jane, our second born child, due right around the same exact time as our current baby girl. At this point in all of the preparation, we knew she was probably not meant for life here on this earth. We had officially signed the papers to not medically intervene when she came, but instead to provide comfort care. EVERYTHING in that season felt so out of my control. Because it was. When you reach the prognosis of death in any situation, the humble reality that we are not in control and someone else is, weighs heavily upon you as you navigate what that fully means.
When she finally came, nothing could have prepared us for what was to come. We felt so underprepared because it came unexpectedly and in addition, my own life was put on the line. I hate that I was not prepared to meet my daughter whom I would only get to hold for a mere 9.5 hours before she left me for forever. For a few hours, she was pink and perfectly healthy looking as she opened her eyes and gently smiled at Luke and me. Oh how I wish I could have been prepared to soak in those precious few hours. But I wasn’t. She came alive, ready to fight for her purpose to breathe and live and meet her family before she began the process of leaving the body forever to enter Heaven.
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“ Born that man no more may die;
Born to raise the sons of earth;
Born to give them second birth.
Hark the Herald angels sing, glory to the new born king!”
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Audrey’s physical suffering towards the end was absolutely brutal. No baby nor child, nor mother or father, nor any human being should EVER have to experience that. Nor should a mother have to hold her child through that kind of suffering.
Yet, it happened. Whether I was prepared for it or not, it happened. And it hurts.
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So back to Mary and Jesus, and when He was born - for a purpose - to breathe and live and suffer a brutal death too. Yet, for the GREATEST PURPOSE. “ Born that man no more may die; Born to raise the sons of earth; Born to give them second birth.”
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Years later, as I have come out of the fog of trauma, I have been able to reconcile what those 9.5 hours held for us and the beauty of getting to meet her; and also the brutality of suffering and darkness and hopelessness we felt in those final hours.
The problem with trauma is it feels very dark and hopeless because the suffering and circumstances are so bleak.
But years later, healing has set in ONLY by the hands of the LIVING JESUS who arose from the dead three days later and ascended into Heaven to sit at the right hand of the most loving Father and God.
Hope has been able to overcome the pain and grief and PTSD. We have hope in Heaven. There is way more to this life because this is not the end. We just don’t have eyes to “see” this most of the time because we are busy with our lives down here on earth. And that’s ok too. Truly, it's ok to be preparing and making lists, enjoying the gift of giving, fun holiday parties and the magical nutty chaos of it all.
My hope for this Christmas season - of preparing for Audrey’s 6th birthday, preparing for fun and intentional memories with my family, and now simultaneously preparing for my fourth baby, is to slow myself down enough and remember what all this preparation and planning is truly all about.
“A voice cries: ‘In the wilderness prepare the way of the LORD; make straight in the desert a highway for our God.’...There shall come forth a shoot from the stump of Jesse, and a branch from his roots shall bear fruit. And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord. And his delight shall be in the fear of the Lord… In that day the root of Jesse, who shall stand as a signal for the peoples—of him shall the nations inquire, and his resting place shall be glorious.”
